


Cowboy Casanova

by celeryy



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Gen, Humor, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-01
Updated: 2012-07-01
Packaged: 2017-11-08 23:00:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/448502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celeryy/pseuds/celeryy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because Carrie Underwood's hit single "Cowboy Casanova" is secretly about Barney Stinson...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cowboy Casanova

**Author's Note:**

> Fun with dialogue! :)
> 
> Author Suggestion...it makes more sense if you watch the music video first! I included some not-so-subtle references...
> 
> Not my characters. CBS...Craig&Carter...NPH, Josh, Alyson, Cobie, and Jason...you know!
> 
> Cowboy Casanova belongs to Carrie Underwood.

[2009, on a plain February day inside McLaren's...]

"Really?"

"Yeah!"

"Ted. _Really_?"

" _Yes_!"

"Ted," Barney said delicately, "I want you to really think about this for a second." He paused to emphasize the immensity of his disbelief. "Just...at what _point_ did you... _delude_ yourself into thinking that this could possibly be an acceptable fashion decision?"

"Oh, come _on_. This is a great look for me!"

The booth cringed collectively.

Ted looked crestfallen. "Is it that bad?"

"Ted! You're wearing a _fedora_!" Barney exclaimed. "Have I taught you _nothing_?"

Robin snorted. "Ted, you look like a hipster."

"What's wrong with that? I'm hip!"

"Hon, I think you should stick to the pink cowboy boots," said Lily, patting him on the arm.

Ted sighed in defeat.

"It was on sale..." he explained feebly.  
"I know, Ted. I know..." said Marshall consolingly.

"I just thought..."

"It's okay, buddy. We all make mistakes."

Barney was still musing. "I mean," he conceded, "I _suppose_ you could pull it off if you were suited up..."

"Yeah, to be honest, the plaid shirt does throw it off a little," Marshall noted objectively.

Ted scoffed. "Okay, for the last time, _suits_ are not the answer to every -"

Suddenly Lily gasped and gestured towards the door.

"Oh my god - look who just walked in!"

Barney and Ted surreptitiously turned to catch a glimpse of the newcomer - a curvy blonde girl with a sweet face.

"Woah. That is a nice piece of -"

"Barney!" scolded Lily in an undertone. "Do you know who that is? That's _Carrie Underwood_!"

"You mean the pop-country chick from American Idol?"

"From what?" asked Robin blankly. The entire table turned to her in disbelief. She put up her hands defensively. "Guys! Kidding..."

There was a general murmur of relief, as Ted rolled his eyes and Barney muttered something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like " _Canadians_..."

"Didn't Carrie Underwood win, like, the first season?" Marshall offered.

"No, that was Kelly Clarkson," Ted corrected immediately.

Lily gave him an amused look. "Is that so?"

"What? It's a good show."

"But, Carrie Underwood's kind of a celebrity now," Marshall continued.

"Oh yeah," said Lily. "She's big."

" _I'll_ say she is," agreed Barney, with another practiced glance over his shoulder. "What UP!"

Everyone ignored him.

"Oh, _please_ ," said Lily. "Barney, If you think for one second that you'd have a chance with _Carrie Underwood_ , you're even more delusional than Ted and his...creepy fedora."

"Hey!"

Barney's eyes lit up. Lily hastily tried to backtrack.

"No! I mean -"

It was too late.

"CHALLENGE ACCEPTED."

The rest of the booth rolled their eyes.

"Every time..." said Lily.

"Okay. Fine," said Ted. "This should be entertaining."

"Yeah, you know, I'm kind of interested to see how this will turn out," Robin agreed. She turned to Barney. "I'll give you thirty seconds, tops, before she throws a drink in your face."

Barney chuckled and rubbed his hands together deviously. He was positively radiating maniacal enthusiasm.

"Oh, don't worry," he said, standing up. "Friends, I am not only going to pick up that hot celebrity chick - I'm going to do it...wearing... _this_."

He snatched the fedora off of Ted's head and flipped it onto his own with a flourish.

"Alright, Barney, whatever you say," said Lily. "If I somehow approved of this, I'd wish you luck, because lord knows you're gonna need it."

"Heh, please," said Barney. He took a final sip of scotch and set the glass on the table.

"Now," he said, looking around, "she just stepped into the bathroom...which gives me approximately three-point-five minutes to find a strategic position...Aha..."

He smiled. Evilly.

"That will do perfectly..."

Marshall, Lily, Ted, and Robin all turned to watch him as he sauntered back towards the record machine in the corner. Leaning one shoulder casually against the glass, he winked at them before pulling the fedora down to shade his eyes.

Then, he waited.

Back at the booth, Ted, Marshall, Lily, and Robin drank and discussed Barney's latest plot in amused disbelief.

"You realize that if this works, he probably deserves some kind of award."

"Oh, come on Marshall, we all know how this is going to end up," said Lily. She shook her head. "You know, I almost feel sorry for him, pulling all of these crazy stunts to try and prove a point."

"This _is_ Barney we're talking about," Ted pointed out. "That's kind of his thing."

Robin looked pointedly at Ted. "Yes, and speaking of crazy stunts...can we talk about the fedora? I still can't believe you bought one."

Lily laughed. "Yeah, wasn't it kind of a tip-off when the cashier gave you a funny look?"

" _Guys_ ," Ted said, "let it go. I've admitted that the fedora was a mistake." He sighed. "Seven dollars and eighty-three cents I'll never get back...Although," he considered, "I have to say, it'll be _totally_ worth it if Barney ends up getting splashed in the face with an alcoholic beverage."

Meanwhile...

"Nice fedora."

Barney laughed lightly.

"I like to shake things up. Stay ahead of the trends."

Blue eyes twinkling, he looked at her from under the shadowy rim of the hat and flashed a crooked smile.

"Now, where have I seen you before?..."

Ted turned around briefly to check on Barney's progress.

"You know, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think the suit helps."

"Looks like he's playing the ensemble off as 'tall-dark-and-handsome.' The overall effect is very _noir_ ," observed Robin astutely.

Lily pursed her lips. "Ooh, that is smart."

"Anyone know how long it's been?" Marshall asked.

"I don't know," Ted said. "He must have passed the thirty-second limit."

"I wonder what he's telling her..."

Everyone paused to ponder that baffling question.

A minute later, Robin's eyes widened. She grabbed Ted's shoulder.

"Guys!" she said in a hushed voice. "You guys - _look_."

"No," said Lily. "No way."

As the four of them looked on, Barney and his latest celebrity conquest glided past the booth together and headed towards the door. He stopped to don his jacket - a sleek gray trench coat, and popped the collar with a cocky shrug. He held the door for his unsuspecting victim, and at the last moment, Barney turned back and tipped the fedora at the booth.

The four friends stared at each other in stunned silence.

Lily ground her teeth. "That devious bastard..."

Marshall shook his head. "Poor, poor Carrie Underwood."

It didn't happen until a few months later. Ted was in his apartment listening to the radio.

_Aaaand, coming right up, we've got Carrie Underwood's new smash-hit single: "Cowboy Casanova."_

Ted chuckled to himself.

"Sounds like Barney..."

The song started playing - another tough pop/rock/country ballad about a woman scorned. Catchy beat.

But then he began listening to the lyrics.

_He's a -_

_a good time Cowboy Casanova_

_leanin' up against the record machine_

Check...

_He's the devil in disguise,_

_a snake with blue eyes_

Check...

_Gives you feelings that you don't want to fight,_

_You'd better run for your life_

"Oh my God..." Ted said, utterly amazed. "It _is_ Barney."

He turned around and called towards Robin's room.

"Robin! Are you hearing this?"

Marshall and Lily showed up a half hour later.

"...and if that doesn't have you convinced, take a look at the music video..." said Robin.

They looked.

Sure enough - the guy looked like he'd stepped straight out of a 20s detective movie. He was suited up. He was wearing a trench coat. And...

"The _fedora_!" Lily exclaimed.

"Exactly!" said Ted.

Robin shook her head in disbelief.

"Well Ted, I guess you were right after all. That thing was definitely worth 7 dollars and eighty-one cents -"

" - eighty-three cents."

"Whatever. Just hit the replay button again."

"Oh, you know it."

"Hey...guys?" Marshall said hesitantly. "Are we telling Barney about this?"

"Well, why wouldn't we?" asked Ted.

"Ted," said Robin. "Think. Does his poor head really need any more hot air?"

"That's a good point," said Lily. "We'd never hear the end of it."

"So...not a word?"  
"Hm, hold on, I'm thinkin'...aah-No."

"Definitely not."

"My lips are sealed."

[Elsewhere...]

Barney sat at his desk next to a large and untouched stack of important-looking documents. He was absently scrolling through YouTube videos on his laptop, when one new music video caught his eye...

_Hey - it's that Carrie Underwood chick...Nice!..._

He clicked on it.

[3 minutes and 55 seconds later...]

After he'd picked his jaw off the floor and blinked for the first time in three-and-a-half minutes, a huge Cheshire-cat grin appeared on Barney's face.

He opened a new email and put Ted's name in the address box.

\--

To: Ted Evelyn Mosby

CC: Lily Aldrin, Marshall Erikson, Robin Scherbatsky

Subject: HAHAAAAA!

Ted -

I told you I can rock a fedora.

Yours Awesomely

The Barnacle

\--

Barney hit send and leaned back in his seat, hands behind his head.

_This is SO going in my blog..._


End file.
